THE LOSS

This week I am 19 weeks gestation.  I had an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday April 22.  Due to the Corona Virus I wasn't allowed to bring anyone with me.  We had planned to do a gender reveal with the kids and Mike at home after my appointment.  Unfortunately, at the ultrasound no heartbeat was found.  The baby was measuring only as big as a baby at 16 weeks gestation.  The doctor was not able to tell gender with the ultrasound.  Plans were made to deliver the baby the next day.  I managed to hold back the tears until the car and then cried all the way home.  When I walked in the door the kids excitedly asked if it was a boy or girl.  All I could do was cry.  Mike held me and I couldn't speak for a few minutes.  I told the kids and Alex cried.  Maggie wiped away my tears, unsure what was happening.  Shane was withdrawn.  The rest of that day was all emotions and sadness.  We arranged for our kids to stay with the Skousens while we were at the hospital.  Mike let his boss know who promptly told him to take several days off of work.  She then arranged to bring us dinner that night!

I couldn't sleep well that night and got up early to get everything ready.  We took the kids to the Skousens at 9:30 am and then headed to the hospital.  I got checked in and they started the medicine that would induce me.  They didn't know how long it would take.  All day we sat and waited.  I had a few cramps but nothing big.  Finally, around 6:15 pm I started to really cramp and contract.  I didn't think I needed medicine and then they started coming closer together.  They were coming every minute so I called my nurse.  She came in and gave me medicine.  At that time the contractions never let up.  For a long time it was just one big contraction.  After about 15 or 20 minutes the pain stopped.  I don't know if it was because the medicine started working or because the baby was coming out.  At 7:00 pm our little baby was born.  The nurse cleaned him up and then brought him to me wrapped in a little blanket.  He was so perfect.  He had eyes, ears, nose, fingers with nails, toes, muscles, bones, everything he should.  I think I cried too much the day before because no tears came, just peace.  I was sad to see him but I had a feeling that he wasn't all dead.  His spirit was alive.  I felt that his spirit was with my dad in heaven, doing a mighty work on the other side of the veil.  Mike held him for awhile and then the nurse took him to take his measurements and make foot and hand prints.  My doctor came in and talked to us.  He said he could "encourage" the placenta to come out so that we could go home sooner.  With much scratching and pinching he removed the placenta.  Afterwards, the nurse brought the baby back in and I got to hold him for awhile longer.  A few hours later, when it was determined that I wasn't hemorrhaging, I was discharged and we went home.  It was nearly midnight so we (and our friends) determined it would be better to get the kids in the morning.

The next morning we went to the Skousens and ate breakfast and talked.  We gathered the kids and headed home.  At home I showed them the box of everything we had received from the hospital.  The hospital had given us a small box with the blankets he was wrapped in, the little hat they had put on his head, his hand and foot prints, a tape measure with his head circumference and length marked, a bracelet that said "For all the babies we miss," as well as some tiny diapers and toys.  We showed it to the kids and we all cried.  The kids drew some pictures for their brother that they wanted to include in the box.  Alex wanted to give him one of her little stuffed toys.  The next couple of days were sad and forlorn.  Several people sent condolences, cards, and flowers.  A few people brought meals.  I was amazed at how much love and support we got.  It will take time to adjust emotionally and I still cry every once in a while.  I still feel a peace that his spirit is in heaven and that I will meet him some day.  Ironically, he was born on the two year anniversary of my dad's death.

We had to wear masks the whole time due to the Corona virus.

My mom sent us a rose and I put it in a blue pot

APRIL FOOLS

I'm still not feeling great but I was feeling well enough to do a fun April Fool dinner.  This year I tried to make a pizza roll " bundt cake."  It didn't look as much like a cake as I wanted, but it was still really good.  For dessert we had chocolate pudding "dirt with worms."